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The struggles of the life beneath the surface

Blog No.5

October 3, 2017; Tuesday

For the past few months I’ve been struggling, keeping up with life and everything in between. As time passes, I can not sleep without crying myself to sleep, soaking my pillow with tears for reasons I myself can not explain. I would rather tire my eyes from the countless videos from YouTube, pointless rants on Facebook and aesthetic photography on Instagram. Basically, anything from the realm of social media. Temporarily forgetting the weight of unreasonable pain in my chest, worries and doubts running on my mind. I can smile and think that I’m happy but why do I still feel empty?

There are nights that I’m not crying but fear clothed me as the night gets deeper. Eyes wide open, lying on my bed and heart beating faster. My head is just a mess, going to dark places; somehow I can not control my own mind. Countless of head shakes, trying to shuffle my thoughts to something on the bright side of my mind but kept on failing, somehow it just get darker and darker; making me fear to shut my eyes and try to snooze off. Dark thoughts makes me fear sleep, making me think that what if I fall asleep I may not wake up the next day or something bad is going to happen. Constantly overthinking every situation, random situations and dark possibilities kept on rolling in my head. And slowly, eyes gotten heavy and mind gets tired that my body went to put me to sleep.

The next day, I usually wake up late and thank God that I’m still alive. Stayed in bed for a couple more hours, wishing that I could just stay in and let the world forget that I exist. The irony, right? But I guess I have to- I need to, life goes on and have to continue looking normal in front of everyone. Getting out of bed means life goes on, right? I should move on and get through the day. As I get out of the room, put my fake smile on and let everyone believe the illusion of me being okay. Maybe, I could act so well that people thought that I am indeed okay, that problems are nonexistent in my life.

People think that by not thinking of it is the best thing to cure the pain, but it’s not. They see that it’s just a phase, something that could easily fade as time goes. If it’s that easy, why am I still feeling the pain? If it’s that easy, why do I wake up each day thinking that life is forgetting me? If it’s that easy, why am I still crying myself each night? If it’s that easy, then why? why am I still hurting?

I can smile, but I’m not happy. I can laugh, but my laughter’s felt empty. I fake a smile and everybody thinks I’m happy. They couldn’t read my eyes, they couldn’t see that I’m struggling. I miss myself, the me that could go with the flow, the me that could see the happiness in the rain, the me that could see the spark of light in the dark, the me that is happy. I try but I always end up crying, I try too hard that I always end up hurting.

I always choose others before me. I always choose what would people think before my own opinions. I always think of them before I think of me. Sometimes, I wish that someone would choose me. Someone that would made me feel that I am worth it, that I am worth the fight. Someone that could be my reason, my reason to stand up again. My reason to see that life is indeed beautiful, that despite all the clutter in my mind there are far more pretty things to see. Someone that would make me feel that ‘this is worth it, that I am worth it’. It is so hard to find the right person that could accept the complicated mess that you are. But one thing’s for sure all of the right things come at the right time.

And I see that in your eyes. The night when fate and the stars conspired for me to find you.

For the person whose making me happy, thank you. Thank you for saving me. You came at the right time. You never fail to make my day brighter each day. I can finally, sleep with the smile on my face and look forward to everyday. I might get complicated and giving up on me is an easy way out, but instead you stayed. Thank you for accepting the mess that is me. And making me feel that happiness is not only how loud you laugh and how wide is your smile but it’s how grateful your heart feels each day. Thank you for making me happy, thank you for staying and I always thank the universe for giving me you.

Thank you for giving me hope.

 

 

 

 

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Ironic Optimist

Blog Entry No.4

March 24, 2017; Thursday

They say I could be very irritating when I can stay positive through whatever. I smile all the time, I see the kind in everyone and I can find even the thinnest strand of silver-lining to whoever or whatever. People always ask why? and I always respond- Because first, I don’t want to spend my day being all sad or grumpy, it’ll make me look older and it is a waste of a good day. Second, everyone may have a beast in them but it doesn’t mean that the good in them is gone. And third, if 99% out of 100 is fucked up or messy it does not mean that there is no more chance left to redeem a shitty situation. Always remember you still have that 1%, that 1% maybe a small amount of chance but it is still a chance- there is still a chance to get up. You just have to believe in that peephole of chance and make it work.

I make it seem easy, right? But it’s not easy when you can see the beauty of others except to yourself. I’m pretty messed up and very complicated. That smile? It’s not just to brighten up the day but I use it to cover ‘me’. I hide my insecurities and doubts behind my smile. Behind that smile I keep on reevaluating myself like- am I boring? getting annoying? will this person like me? or do I sound smart enough? and to me I keep failing in my head. See the good in everyone? Yes, it’s true I believe that there’s always this good side to everyone but to myself? I always tend to doubt if I ever be good enough. I can find a silver-lining to everything? Yes, I’d like to be positive to everyone around me. But the irony is that when it comes to myself I just fall apart. I’m an ironic optimist.

Past relationships had greatly affected to what I see myself. It messed me up even more. (LOL, I was young and incredibly stupid, okay?) I lost my self-worth, I always beg for time- because they’re always doing something else (or just forgot about me. lol), I gave too much effort and made me more insecure about myself. I though I was in a relationship but to them I’m just a fling (*wink*). BUT! But as I meet new people- the right ones, they’ve changed my perspective. I learned to let things go and stop overthinking every word I say or every move I make. They showed me my worth, they never wanted me to put myself down. I felt important or special. Some people may not know the ‘me’, but in a way when you’re talking to someone you just feel comfortable with it’s like magic. You suddenly and unknowingly unleash the weird person you are, they will like you and will accept the complicated person you think you are. It takes time to find the right people and it’s definitely worth it.

Work in progress

Blog Entry No. 3

January 7, 2017; Saturday

The clock hit midnight and BOOM! firecrackers replaced the stars as it lit up the night sky, people screaming for joy welcoming a new chapter to life. The year 2016 finally came to an end and a whole new page had started, with all of the lessons and memories shared
from the past 365 days.

People start making resolutions or as what the millennials calls it #GOALS or #Life Goals, for a tradition of a ‘New Year, New you’ thing. Mostly, people with less convictions last for up to two (2) months tops. Started as a fighter and with 2 or 3 cheat days or lazy days became a week then to a month, into the rest of the year and regrets by Christmas Eve. Funny how a silly one day can change your perceptions for the rest of the momentum.
But to those people who persevere never thought of a cheat day or a lazy day is necessary, because for you to change it’s like “Do what you have to do now and Do what you want later” more like a make it or break it kinda thing. To reach the full length of your capacity is to push yourself and not by other people. Motivate yourself, a dream will only remain a dream if you won’t work for it. As my favorite vlogger would say, Wil Dasovich — “Good things come to those who HUSTLE”, work for it and everything will be in place little by little.

If you want to travel? Then go ahead. Save money and book a trip, travel to where your heart’s desire. Be lost to the wonders of the world and see God’s amazing art work. Find new places, and just be spontaneous. Conquer one place to another, may it be with your friends or alone — either way you’re doing what you want to do. If you want to lose weight? Do the squats and move. One routine at a time, discover your body’s capabilities. One step at a time until you’re out of your comfort zone. Run to where you finally feel good about yourself. Eating right and stay grounded and never let a single cheat day bring your lazy ass back. If you want to be successful? Work — success is not gonna knock on your door one day and shout SURPRISE!!!, successful people grind everyday to be where they are today. Success is not a one way path, it’s full of bulky roads of failures and challenges. Different routes but there’s only one thing in common is that they get up and fight until they reach their work’s worth. This may sound harsh but it’s a worth price to pay to get your dreams to reality.

Of course, all the grind will be meaningless if you just do it for the hell of it or if you’re really in to something else and / or even because everybody does that — that won’t work,
that’s literally every reason why resolutions fail. Do what makes you happy, if you’re not happy — you must be doing it wrong. Do it all for the right reasons, it’s not all about revenge or to have something to boast. Character is always the key to keep what you are working for. Life is too short to keep an eye on your competitors or enemies, enjoy every bits of life. It may be harsh at times but hell yeah, every challenge is worth fighting. As you walk every page of life, you will meet new people — some may leave but the right ones will stay.  People who leaves only means that they where there to paint temporary pictures in our lives but to those who stay they are part of the whole canvass.

This post is not only intended for those who needed the push or the motivation, it’s also for me to take. All of us are a work in progress, there’s always room for improvements and there’s nothing to be ashamed of. We all need that something to make us realize our stand in life. Writing this blog makes me realize that sitting in the corner takes me to nowhere but to where I am exactly at — at the corner. Silly it may sound but it’s true; we need to move to see progress because time is not gonna stop and make you move. It’s live by the moment and not sit by the moment.  😉

Get up and make that #GOALS a #SUCCESS.

Stuck in neutral

Blog Entry No.2

December 14, 2016; Wednesday
Forty-five minutes until midnight, then it’ll be 10 days before my favorite time of the year– Christmas Holiday!
These past few days I have been lazy and uncaring about law school, a part of me tells me that I should pursue and become a lawyer
if not great, maybe just even a good one. Being a lawyer has been a dream, started off from a classroom skit when I was in the 6th grade and now I am
here; the first step in taking the hardest exams–The Bar Exams. I’m sure taking that oath of upholding justice and all is a dream come true.
But still in the dark if whether I am for this field or not.

Traveling has been a passion for me — the salty blue water, the different textures of
sand mixed with pretty sea shells, the great orange sun, the tall palm trees for shade and the salty breeze;
the beach is such a sweet haven for me. The green pasture view on the side of the road when you go your trip via land and
sometimes catch the blend of red, orange and yellow colors of the sunset ’till the bright skies turn into a dark starry night or even as this big ball
of bright light shines up in the morning. Even to the typical walk around the city with your earphones on, while walking along with the beat you set on your playlist.
A simple stroll, unplugged from all the social media dramas and the endless pages of each cases assigned by the professors and just be one with the society.
It just feel so good to just see the bright blue skies and fluffy clouds, simple smiles from strangers and even the graffiti on the walls. These little things
I really enjoy doing, makes me feel more alive — as cliche as that sounds but that’s what I really feel when i get to do this. From these past few months, I’ve been doing
a bit of traveling; it maybe just a few unknown places here in the local but the feeling that you get to go wander from one place to another is priceless. You get to go to new places with friends and some important people in your life, the moment is irreplaceable.

But then when the semester started, I got locked in with the thick pages of law books and countless cases in SCRA. The mini heart attacks and cold sweats you feel every time the professors call for recitations — believe me it is not a good feeling. Every time the clock hits 5:30 P.M. you’re starting to doubt whether you’ve studied
enough and if you’re in the right place, that you are really for this. Even though you have studied all that are required for that day but still, you can always never be too confident because by whatever reason they always find ways to make you feel soo dumb (LOL). At the end of the day you got to congratulate yourself that you survived the three hour or more terror in the four corners of the classroom. It’s a fulfilling moment though, when you get to answer all of the questions thrown to you by your professor correctly, it’s like a taste
of what you would feel when you pass the bar — oh the simple joys! I also appreciate some of my professors who always motivate their students.
They make you feel that with hard work and determination you can make it, that you can be like them and maybe even more. Lawyers are sometimes stereotyped to have that boastful
character but indeed, don’t judge the book by its cover. They may seem to have these strong and always have their game face on look and have a very intimidating walk but
once you get to know them especially in the classroom, well, they may seem terrorizing in recitations and very serious on discussions but they also throw jokes
and funny opinions or statements every now and then — they are pretty cool people and completely human.These traits made me respect the law profession even more.

Thinking of it, is travelling just a hobby and a vacation every now and then will be the satisfaction for my cravings? That pursuing law school is what really what my future upholds and I’m wasting my time breathing adventures? Or law school isn’t really my calling that I can be more of a traveler and make money out of every adventure or a field work that’s a win-win situation for me that I could work and travel all at the same time? A lot of questions but running on 0% in answers.

As the midnight came, still I couldn’t decide to whether where I belong. Stuck in neutral, in a total grey area and couldn’t pick which side to choose or is there anything else to choose — choices that I couldn’t see.
Are my eyes half closed for not seeing the variety of choices or is it the battle between my heart and mind?

It’s a minute after midnight, time was so fast and couldn’t wait for me. Time left me undecided,
I guess it’s back to where I’m always good at — cover my worries with a smile and hide my fears and walk away.

Choose or Doubt

Blog No.1
November 15, 2016; Tuesday

Today I finally start documenting for whatever is happening to my life, the things that I can’t tell to anyone. I know I have a lot of very supportive friends
but sometimes it just feel like I can’t talk to them such stuff that’s been running in my silly little mind. My anxiety, my mixed up feelings and the crazy drama
that I always kept to myself. Some people just have this one person where they could pour everything to but I guess I am not that type, as open as my friends think I am,
I keep a lot of things to myself and just keep everybody think that I’m this happy person that has her whole life planned and everything’s okay and in line kind.
But I’m not, I keep my fears, my insecurities and my messed up side buried down in me.

I’d like to think that I’m strong, I’d like to think that I can do this, that I can get things through,
and I can fight through whatever it is I’m facing; I always turn and say “kaya ko ni!” but what I’m actually feeling is my heart beating faster than the usaul, wanting to disappear
into the moment, and just get out. I’d keep reminding myself that indeed “kaya ko ni!” but what my heart actually thinks is-“Is this really where I’m supposed to be?”;”Is this really
the path to my purpose?” and “Am I really for this?” and the list of questions goes on.

But I have to try to know right? – at least I’ve tried to be the person I wanted, it won’t be all put into waste right?
But the real question is: What is my real purpose or my calling of who I am to be?

I just wish it’ll hit me soon, I’m excited and nervous to know.
God please guide me.