October 3, 2017; Tuesday
For the past few months I’ve been struggling, keeping up with life and everything in between. As time passes, I can not sleep without crying myself to sleep, soaking my pillow with tears for reasons I myself can not explain. I would rather tire my eyes from the countless videos from YouTube, pointless rants on Facebook and aesthetic photography on Instagram. Basically, anything from the realm of social media. Temporarily forgetting the weight of unreasonable pain in my chest, worries and doubts running on my mind. I can smile and think that I’m happy but why do I still feel empty?
There are nights that I’m not crying but fear clothed me as the night gets deeper. Eyes wide open, lying on my bed and heart beating faster. My head is just a mess, going to dark places; somehow I can not control my own mind. Countless of head shakes, trying to shuffle my thoughts to something on the bright side of my mind but kept on failing, somehow it just get darker and darker; making me fear to shut my eyes and try to snooze off. Dark thoughts makes me fear sleep, making me think that what if I fall asleep I may not wake up the next day or something bad is going to happen. Constantly overthinking every situation, random situations and dark possibilities kept on rolling in my head. And slowly, eyes gotten heavy and mind gets tired that my body went to put me to sleep.
The next day, I usually wake up late and thank God that I’m still alive. Stayed in bed for a couple more hours, wishing that I could just stay in and let the world forget that I exist. The irony, right? But I guess I have to- I need to, life goes on and have to continue looking normal in front of everyone. Getting out of bed means life goes on, right? I should move on and get through the day. As I get out of the room, put my fake smile on and let everyone believe the illusion of me being okay. Maybe, I could act so well that people thought that I am indeed okay, that problems are nonexistent in my life.
People think that by not thinking of it is the best thing to cure the pain, but it’s not. They see that it’s just a phase, something that could easily fade as time goes. If it’s that easy, why am I still feeling the pain? If it’s that easy, why do I wake up each day thinking that life is forgetting me? If it’s that easy, why am I still crying myself each night? If it’s that easy, then why? why am I still hurting?
I can smile, but I’m not happy. I can laugh, but my laughter’s felt empty. I fake a smile and everybody thinks I’m happy. They couldn’t read my eyes, they couldn’t see that I’m struggling. I miss myself, the me that could go with the flow, the me that could see the happiness in the rain, the me that could see the spark of light in the dark, the me that is happy. I try but I always end up crying, I try too hard that I always end up hurting.
I always choose others before me. I always choose what would people think before my own opinions. I always think of them before I think of me. Sometimes, I wish that someone would choose me. Someone that would made me feel that I am worth it, that I am worth the fight. Someone that could be my reason, my reason to stand up again. My reason to see that life is indeed beautiful, that despite all the clutter in my mind there are far more pretty things to see. Someone that would make me feel that ‘this is worth it, that I am worth it’. It is so hard to find the right person that could accept the complicated mess that you are. But one thing’s for sure all of the right things come at the right time.
And I see that in your eyes. The night when fate and the stars conspired for me to find you.
For the person whose making me happy, thank you. Thank you for saving me. You came at the right time. You never fail to make my day brighter each day. I can finally, sleep with the smile on my face and look forward to everyday. I might get complicated and giving up on me is an easy way out, but instead you stayed. Thank you for accepting the mess that is me. And making me feel that happiness is not only how loud you laugh and how wide is your smile but it’s how grateful your heart feels each day. Thank you for making me happy, thank you for staying and I always thank the universe for giving me you.
Thank you for giving me hope.