Blog Entry No.4

March 24, 2017; Thursday

They say I could be very irritating when I can stay positive through whatever. I smile all the time, I see the kind in everyone and I can find even the thinnest strand of silver-lining to whoever or whatever. People always ask why? and I always respond- Because first, I don’t want to spend my day being all sad or grumpy, it’ll make me look older and it is a waste of a good day. Second, everyone may have a beast in them but it doesn’t mean that the good in them is gone. And third, if 99% out of 100 is fucked up or messy it does not mean that there is no more chance left to redeem a shitty situation. Always remember you still have that 1%, that 1% maybe a small amount of chance but it is still a chance- there is still a chance to get up. You just have to believe in that peephole of chance and make it work.

I make it seem easy, right? But it’s not easy when you can see the beauty of others except to yourself. I’m pretty messed up and very complicated. That smile? It’s not just to brighten up the day but I use it to cover ‘me’. I hide my insecurities and doubts behind my smile. Behind that smile I keep on reevaluating myself like- am I boring? getting annoying? will this person like me? or do I sound smart enough? and to me I keep failing in my head. See the good in everyone? Yes, it’s true I believe that there’s always this good side to everyone but to myself? I always tend to doubt if I ever be good enough. I can find a silver-lining to everything? Yes, I’d like to be positive to everyone around me. But the irony is that when it comes to myself I just fall apart. I’m an ironic optimist.

Past relationships had greatly affected to what I see myself. It messed me up even more. (LOL, I was young and incredibly stupid, okay?) I lost my self-worth, I always beg for time- because they’re always doing something else (or just forgot about me. lol), I gave too much effort and made me more insecure about myself. I though I was in a relationship but to them I’m just a fling (*wink*). BUT! But as I meet new people- the right ones, they’ve changed my perspective. I learned to let things go and stop overthinking every word I say or every move I make. They showed me my worth, they never wanted me to put myself down. I felt important or special. Some people may not know the ‘me’, but in a way when you’re talking to someone you just feel comfortable with it’s like magic. You suddenly and unknowingly unleash the weird person you are, they will like you and will accept the complicated person you think you are. It takes time to find the right people and it’s definitely worth it.

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