November 15, 2016; Tuesday
Today I finally start documenting for whatever is happening to my life, the things that I can’t tell to anyone. I know I have a lot of very supportive friends
but sometimes it just feel like I can’t talk to them such stuff that’s been running in my silly little mind. My anxiety, my mixed up feelings and the crazy drama
that I always kept to myself. Some people just have this one person where they could pour everything to but I guess I am not that type, as open as my friends think I am,
I keep a lot of things to myself and just keep everybody think that I’m this happy person that has her whole life planned and everything’s okay and in line kind.
But I’m not, I keep my fears, my insecurities and my messed up side buried down in me.
I’d like to think that I’m strong, I’d like to think that I can do this, that I can get things through,
and I can fight through whatever it is I’m facing; I always turn and say “kaya ko ni!” but what I’m actually feeling is my heart beating faster than the usaul, wanting to disappear
into the moment, and just get out. I’d keep reminding myself that indeed “kaya ko ni!” but what my heart actually thinks is-“Is this really where I’m supposed to be?”;”Is this really
the path to my purpose?” and “Am I really for this?” and the list of questions goes on.
But I have to try to know right? – at least I’ve tried to be the person I wanted, it won’t be all put into waste right?
But the real question is: What is my real purpose or my calling of who I am to be?
I just wish it’ll hit me soon, I’m excited and nervous to know.
God please guide me.